River's Diary: Part Four by myownknight

Stop fighting no 
go 
can’t get out of my head.
I’m trapped, trapped here,
three dimensional physical representation of the whole, affected by four no no too ineffective.
Could be better.
Should be better.
Shouldn’t be stuck, nothing holding me in, but the more I try the harder it gets. Can’t tell Simon, he’ll think I’ve slipped, gone off the deep end.
Theoretically possible. Astral projection, shaman, shamaning? Can’t remember doesn’t matter.
Should be able too, meditation, belief, it's all in the belief, belief in self is belief in others, not a Hindu, empirical data supporting the claim of rebirth is weak at best, but I believe in the possibility of the evidence presented being real. Should be enough.

Captain wants me to stop muttering again.

_______________________________

Moon-side.
Can’t hear the stars
the clouds too thick
so quiet can’t see myself think.
River’s like a pond, pond becomes mirror
disappears in the blackness.
It’s quiet outside of me tonight
inside still a buzz
more softly now.
doesn’t echo as much as in space
in space nowhere for their heads to go but in.
dirt’s much better, softens voices, dull roar.
easier to be River.

___________________________

Malcolm Reynolds Dream.
Sea greens sea blues
dog tags, cat naps.
Friendly Shadows
family farm
soft voices soft hair
quiet days
no war.
It’s like I’m almost there.

the Cap’n don’t sleep less we’re neath 
the sky again.
-River

_________________________
Paradox.
Wings of death
shadowy eyes
/follows same path don’t fall again/
rivers of brown
coats of blood
haunting.
/fighting differently still fighting same war/
Don’t wanna be trusted
but won’t ever
betray.
Paradox.

Zoe’s turn to do the
dishes tonight.
__________________________

Surprise.

Pizza tonight ( H2O,  Saccharomyces cerevisae, powdered wheat, oil of  Olea europaea, Sodium Chloride, Sucrose, Lycopersicon esculentum, Heiphinic wotis, stir, mix, spread, bake, cut, serve ) Kaylee's special surprise, comes with announcement, ( secret, special, nervous, happy, sneaky with Simon) hiding it all day, secrets making my head hurt, happy when it stops, unless there's yelling. 
I hate yelling. means Family's not right, everybody angry, no place for River to be.
but no yelling tonight, just soft soft, happy, warm fuzzy clouds, peaceful night, everything's A ok Cap'n, no need to fret.

She said yes.

________________________________

The Announcement.

Simon standing
nervous shaking
don't know what to say.
Kaylee beaming
promised won't tell.
I know anyway.
Words, shock, thrill, happiness, a little confusion from Jayne.
Going on 3 years, 4 months, 2 days, thought he didn't know.
They're wrong.
Cap'n knows, always knows, just don't interfere. Behave like a bear to hide the cub, teddy bear with Inara, can't resist happy Kaylee.

I get to have a Jie Jie now.
-River.



-You can read River's new entries everyday  at riversdiary.tumblr.com or find us on FaceBook under Rivers Diary-

many a warm and fuzzy thanks to Greenka61 for being my helpful and prompt Beta :) I hope we can work together again! - Ji