First Entry.
Dear inanimate object.
Kaylee gave ‘you’ to me today, because she says I should have someplace to write stuff down.
I don't think it helped that I used the last one she gave me for mathematical equations, that when folded in to models of the first thirteen elements spelled out ‘Serenity’. I did that during one of my less lucid periods.
Hopefully, I can fill this one with more intellectually ambiguous material, to satisfy her when she takes a peek in three months, two day, and five hours.
River Tam.
Memories
its not in the spirit of the holiday
to lie and cheat and steal.
if you do they come for you
they come
with hands of blue.
made me a stone
so I swallowed a bug
annoyed Simon doesn’t mind now.
its not relevant
it doesn't matter
this isn’t home anymore.
wont stop, wont ever stop
they just keep coming back.
its time to go
Daddy's coming soon.
colors, colors, all the beautiful colors are dancing
on my brain again.
i can win this,
its only a symbol
doesn't mean what you think.
eleven. prime number.
doesn’t matter now.
Simon thinks I'm crazy
I'm not.
my head just doesn't work right sometimes.
I'm smart. I could be normal if I tried.
but I can’t
can’t make me
bird’s in a cage, doesn't mean she can sing.
you can’t make her.
her. him. she. he. it.
it. politically correct asexual reference to a object or subject.
no manholes, itholes.
holes. thought to exist in the fabric of space/time by many fractions, despite evidence to the contrary.
have to go, Kaylee’s calling me for Dinner.
-River.
Yesterday.
Dear Inanimate Object.
Simon upped my meds again, so today I appear to be rather lucid and functioning within average levels during the current twenty four hour cycle.
I seem to be missing much of yesterday. Kaylee says I was painting, except I was painting on the floor. and the walls. and the furniture. all I remember is trying to get it out before I forgot. Poor Simon.
At least the kitchen looks all kinds of shiny now. I believe I find the mix of black, yellow, and scarlet red, to be rather aesthetically attractive to the eye, although Cap. don’t agree.
don’t matter none.
Its just paint.
River Tam.
Dear ‘Diary’.
today we had another stop over, this one on Triumph, to secure what supplies and fuel we could.
Once again, Simon and Captain insisted that we stay out of sight. While I can intellectually agree with the logic of this decision, it does not relieve the negative feelings I have toward being trapped on Serenity.
After we fueled and collect our various crew members, we left around supper time. Protein Powder with Soy Sauce. somewhat problematic, but manageable. After supper, Inara decided to teach Kaylee and I a new card game, (I let Kaylee win) Jayne sharpened his knives, Zoe, Captain, and Simon looked on while preforming various chores while Serenity powered on through the black.
another day in our Families life.
with peace come problems
but with lose come new growth
in lights there are shadows
but not all shadows are secrets.
River Tam.
Nightmares.
turn the doorknob.
go on he says.
nothing can hurt you here.
I can’t.
I won’t.
no one can make me.
nightmares reside in there.
haunting images
creeping near
lurking in the shadows.
words that tumble
out of my mouth
no stopping them now.
two by two with hands of blue
closerclosertheycomenostoppingthemnowwhodedemasomeonepleasenostophelpno!
Simon shakes me awake.
there back.
The Morning.
Simon's been trying to get me to talk about last night, but he can’t make me. can’t make me remember. I’m scared if I do I’ll never stop.
Serenity is still powering her way to our next job. I’m going to go hide from Simon.
-River Tam
See Rivers new entries every day at www.riversdiary.tumblr.com or find her on Facebook under Rivers Diary.
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